Naive

Naive: Showing a lack of experience, wisdom, or judgment: "the rather naive young woman had been totally misled".


WOW. I think that says it all...

You'd think I'd learn after repeating the same mistakes over and over again, that something needs to change. I need to change!!

How can I be so naive to believe what he says is true? It's never been true in the past, so why is this one any different?

I fall into this same pattern time and time again.. Guy shows interest in girl, girl shows interest in guy, guy shows even more interest in girl, so now he knows she's (I'm) completely hooked. By which time it's too late, her guard has been let down, way sooner than is should be because this time he's the one that's different, he's the one that is going to break the mold. But alas he's no different because he still finds a way to manipulate the situation, still finds a way to manipulate her. At first all the things that go wrong seem to be bad timing, but then over a period of time even though it doesn't get worse it still never gets better. " But that's ok, because he's different. He's really showed me he cares."

I still don't know what the reality/facts of the whole situation are and quite honestly I don't care. But I'm hurt. I can't believe I allowed myself to believe him. He may or may not have been lying. I don't know. But I do know he pulled at my heart strings, he knew all the right things to say. Even now, I'm sure if he called I would probably answer. I know he's not good for me, but that doesn't make the feeling go away. Once again, he'd probably say something came up, that he was sorry and that he misses me. I'd tell him I miss him too. That doesn't make the feelings go away.

I know people ask why do I let him get to me this way. I don't have an answer, but at the same time I don't want a lecture. When in reality I've felt lost and alone for a while now. I don't want to tell anyone because I don't want to be judged. I know I deserve better but that doesn't make the pain any less or the hurt go away. I feel lost and alone, I know what the answer is but it's not what I want to hear. I know it's to lean on God. I'm not strong enough, I haven't been for a while. I just put on a good front and pretend to be who people expect me to be. Inside I'm fighting this battle, I know I'm losing but I don't see another way. I'm gradually becoming overwhelmed with things that didn't use to be that way. I'm withdrawing from the good things in my life. I'm going to church and participating in activities because I feel like that's what I'm supposed to be doing. I'm not doing them with joy like I once was. I feel as though I'm becoming too involved and it's crushing me. I want to just sleep my day's away. I don't want to be bothered, and I want time to myself.

I know I need Jesus in my life, and I've been reading the bible and several other christian based books on a daily basis. Again, not because I want to, but out of a sense of obligation. I can tell you about the stories but I don't feel as though I'm getting anything from them. I haven't felt the presence of God in my life for a while now. I feel myself slipping farther away from the strong Christian women that I once was.  I'm drowning and part of me wants to let go. I don't understand how Satan can have such a strong hold over me.

I want to feel God in my life again, but I don't know how. I pray every day and night. But it's not enough, I feel as though I need some sort of divine intervention or a miracle.