Approval

Well I've discovered recently why I've been trying to do everything under the sun to "please God"

I've been searching for his approval. In figuring that out it's made me realize that I've been searching for approval my whole life, from my parents, to my friends, ex boyfriends, and everyone in between. Now some of those are still relevant in my life but the biggest thing that has been added is God's approval. The thing I've still been trying to figure out is why I'm trying to win so much approval. I'm still not sure of the answer but I do know that when I don't get the approval that I'm looking for I tend to get very upset/hurt/discouraged.

There are lots of different reason's we seek others approval but the one thing I've run across researching the idea is: We seek approval because of low self esteem. Well I could definitely say that in my past I had very low self esteem. I was always the fat girl growing up, so I didn't have a lot of friends. Therefore I didn't participate in many activities that involved me being social. Most of the time I would stay home, hang out with the few select friends that I had, and interact quietly with them or by myself. All the while hoping that someone would acknowledge me. Someone would take time out of their busy life just to tell me they were thinking about me.Eventually as I grew up that changed just a little, although no one wanted to date the fat girl I did have more friends. I became somewhat more social, but looking back it's because I was tagging along with my friends in their social lives.

 As I've gotten passed those weird teenage years and have grown into my own person, I've become more secure in who I'm becoming. The downfall with all of that is once I started to get the attention from guys I began to crave it more and more. When one wouldn't show me the attention I desired I'd move onto the next. This was a continuous pattern for a couple years.  I thought though that I'd been able to work through all that and be happy with the person that I am today. But I guess that really isn't the case. If it were, I wouldn't care what others thought and I wouldn't seek out there approval. Granted the places I'm seeking approval have dramatically changed but I guess it's a lack of self esteem none the less.

Yesterday as I sat in Small Group with some of my greatest girl friends I didn't want to speak because I didn't want to be judged. I've been struggling for several months now with not feeling as though I've been good enough. Because of this I've over extended myself to where I barely rest. Which is not good. A few weeks ago I took a glance at my week and Realized there isn't really one day to where I'm 100% devoted to making time for myself, to recharge and re energize. Sunday's I'm either at church or participating in a young professionals ministry. Monday's I've got Chiropractic/Massage work and Small group. Tuesday is Chiropractic/Massage work, up until last week I was also training for the Cooper River bridge run with some friends as well. Wednesday's have been Chiropractic/Massage work and Small Group. Thursday's have been Chiropractic/Massage work and theWell/Church. Friday's have been Chiropractic/Massage work. Saturday's have been filled with Massage work and Church on top of other various things like laundry, cleaning, and grocery shopping.

So instead of enjoying the things that I do, I'm stressing because I've got WAYYYY too much on my plate. The only thing that sucks is I do enjoy everything. But I also know that if I don't cut some things out of my routine and add more time in for me, then I'm going to begin to hate them all. So what's next? What things do I cut out? I want to be happy and joyous about the things in my life instead of stressed and feeling like I'm failing. Which is in turn causing me too feel farther away from God. I'm not sure where I'm headed next but I do know that I've got a LOT of re prioritizing to do.

Oh and something was said to me last night that kinda was a slap in the face, but it's what I needed. In talking about being vulnerable and looking for others approval my friend Carlee mentioned that we're supposed to strive for holiness because that means we're becoming more like God. We shouldn't strive for perfection because we'll never be perfect.

Naive

Naive: Showing a lack of experience, wisdom, or judgment: "the rather naive young woman had been totally misled".


WOW. I think that says it all...

You'd think I'd learn after repeating the same mistakes over and over again, that something needs to change. I need to change!!

How can I be so naive to believe what he says is true? It's never been true in the past, so why is this one any different?

I fall into this same pattern time and time again.. Guy shows interest in girl, girl shows interest in guy, guy shows even more interest in girl, so now he knows she's (I'm) completely hooked. By which time it's too late, her guard has been let down, way sooner than is should be because this time he's the one that's different, he's the one that is going to break the mold. But alas he's no different because he still finds a way to manipulate the situation, still finds a way to manipulate her. At first all the things that go wrong seem to be bad timing, but then over a period of time even though it doesn't get worse it still never gets better. " But that's ok, because he's different. He's really showed me he cares."

I still don't know what the reality/facts of the whole situation are and quite honestly I don't care. But I'm hurt. I can't believe I allowed myself to believe him. He may or may not have been lying. I don't know. But I do know he pulled at my heart strings, he knew all the right things to say. Even now, I'm sure if he called I would probably answer. I know he's not good for me, but that doesn't make the feeling go away. Once again, he'd probably say something came up, that he was sorry and that he misses me. I'd tell him I miss him too. That doesn't make the feelings go away.

I know people ask why do I let him get to me this way. I don't have an answer, but at the same time I don't want a lecture. When in reality I've felt lost and alone for a while now. I don't want to tell anyone because I don't want to be judged. I know I deserve better but that doesn't make the pain any less or the hurt go away. I feel lost and alone, I know what the answer is but it's not what I want to hear. I know it's to lean on God. I'm not strong enough, I haven't been for a while. I just put on a good front and pretend to be who people expect me to be. Inside I'm fighting this battle, I know I'm losing but I don't see another way. I'm gradually becoming overwhelmed with things that didn't use to be that way. I'm withdrawing from the good things in my life. I'm going to church and participating in activities because I feel like that's what I'm supposed to be doing. I'm not doing them with joy like I once was. I feel as though I'm becoming too involved and it's crushing me. I want to just sleep my day's away. I don't want to be bothered, and I want time to myself.

I know I need Jesus in my life, and I've been reading the bible and several other christian based books on a daily basis. Again, not because I want to, but out of a sense of obligation. I can tell you about the stories but I don't feel as though I'm getting anything from them. I haven't felt the presence of God in my life for a while now. I feel myself slipping farther away from the strong Christian women that I once was.  I'm drowning and part of me wants to let go. I don't understand how Satan can have such a strong hold over me.

I want to feel God in my life again, but I don't know how. I pray every day and night. But it's not enough, I feel as though I need some sort of divine intervention or a miracle.