Well I've discovered recently why I've been trying to do everything under the sun to "please God"
I've been searching for his approval. In figuring that out it's made me realize that I've been searching for approval my whole life, from my parents, to my friends, ex boyfriends, and everyone in between. Now some of those are still relevant in my life but the biggest thing that has been added is God's approval. The thing I've still been trying to figure out is why I'm trying to win so much approval. I'm still not sure of the answer but I do know that when I don't get the approval that I'm looking for I tend to get very upset/hurt/discouraged.
There are lots of different reason's we seek others approval but the one thing I've run across researching the idea is: We seek approval because of low self esteem. Well I could definitely say that in my past I had very low self esteem. I was always the fat girl growing up, so I didn't have a lot of friends. Therefore I didn't participate in many activities that involved me being social. Most of the time I would stay home, hang out with the few select friends that I had, and interact quietly with them or by myself. All the while hoping that someone would acknowledge me. Someone would take time out of their busy life just to tell me they were thinking about me.Eventually as I grew up that changed just a little, although no one wanted to date the fat girl I did have more friends. I became somewhat more social, but looking back it's because I was tagging along with my friends in their social lives.
As I've gotten passed those weird teenage years and have grown into my own person, I've become more secure in who I'm becoming. The downfall with all of that is once I started to get the attention from guys I began to crave it more and more. When one wouldn't show me the attention I desired I'd move onto the next. This was a continuous pattern for a couple years. I thought though that I'd been able to work through all that and be happy with the person that I am today. But I guess that really isn't the case. If it were, I wouldn't care what others thought and I wouldn't seek out there approval. Granted the places I'm seeking approval have dramatically changed but I guess it's a lack of self esteem none the less.
Yesterday as I sat in Small Group with some of my greatest girl friends I didn't want to speak because I didn't want to be judged. I've been struggling for several months now with not feeling as though I've been good enough. Because of this I've over extended myself to where I barely rest. Which is not good. A few weeks ago I took a glance at my week and Realized there isn't really one day to where I'm 100% devoted to making time for myself, to recharge and re energize. Sunday's I'm either at church or participating in a young professionals ministry. Monday's I've got Chiropractic/Massage work and Small group. Tuesday is Chiropractic/Massage work, up until last week I was also training for the Cooper River bridge run with some friends as well. Wednesday's have been Chiropractic/Massage work and Small Group. Thursday's have been Chiropractic/Massage work and theWell/Church. Friday's have been Chiropractic/Massage work. Saturday's have been filled with Massage work and Church on top of other various things like laundry, cleaning, and grocery shopping.
So instead of enjoying the things that I do, I'm stressing because I've got WAYYYY too much on my plate. The only thing that sucks is I do enjoy everything. But I also know that if I don't cut some things out of my routine and add more time in for me, then I'm going to begin to hate them all. So what's next? What things do I cut out? I want to be happy and joyous about the things in my life instead of stressed and feeling like I'm failing. Which is in turn causing me too feel farther away from God. I'm not sure where I'm headed next but I do know that I've got a LOT of re prioritizing to do.
Oh and something was said to me last night that kinda was a slap in the face, but it's what I needed. In talking about being vulnerable and looking for others approval my friend Carlee mentioned that we're supposed to strive for holiness because that means we're becoming more like God. We shouldn't strive for perfection because we'll never be perfect.
Tuesday, April 3, 2012
Sunday, April 1, 2012
Naive
Naive: Showing a lack of experience, wisdom, or judgment: "the rather naive young woman had been totally misled".
WOW. I think that says it all...
You'd think I'd learn after repeating the same mistakes over and over again, that something needs to change. I need to change!!
How can I be so naive to believe what he says is true? It's never been true in the past, so why is this one any different?
I fall into this same pattern time and time again.. Guy shows interest in girl, girl shows interest in guy, guy shows even more interest in girl, so now he knows she's (I'm) completely hooked. By which time it's too late, her guard has been let down, way sooner than is should be because this time he's the one that's different, he's the one that is going to break the mold. But alas he's no different because he still finds a way to manipulate the situation, still finds a way to manipulate her. At first all the things that go wrong seem to be bad timing, but then over a period of time even though it doesn't get worse it still never gets better. " But that's ok, because he's different. He's really showed me he cares."
I still don't know what the reality/facts of the whole situation are and quite honestly I don't care. But I'm hurt. I can't believe I allowed myself to believe him. He may or may not have been lying. I don't know. But I do know he pulled at my heart strings, he knew all the right things to say. Even now, I'm sure if he called I would probably answer. I know he's not good for me, but that doesn't make the feeling go away. Once again, he'd probably say something came up, that he was sorry and that he misses me. I'd tell him I miss him too. That doesn't make the feelings go away.
I know people ask why do I let him get to me this way. I don't have an answer, but at the same time I don't want a lecture. When in reality I've felt lost and alone for a while now. I don't want to tell anyone because I don't want to be judged. I know I deserve better but that doesn't make the pain any less or the hurt go away. I feel lost and alone, I know what the answer is but it's not what I want to hear. I know it's to lean on God. I'm not strong enough, I haven't been for a while. I just put on a good front and pretend to be who people expect me to be. Inside I'm fighting this battle, I know I'm losing but I don't see another way. I'm gradually becoming overwhelmed with things that didn't use to be that way. I'm withdrawing from the good things in my life. I'm going to church and participating in activities because I feel like that's what I'm supposed to be doing. I'm not doing them with joy like I once was. I feel as though I'm becoming too involved and it's crushing me. I want to just sleep my day's away. I don't want to be bothered, and I want time to myself.
I know I need Jesus in my life, and I've been reading the bible and several other christian based books on a daily basis. Again, not because I want to, but out of a sense of obligation. I can tell you about the stories but I don't feel as though I'm getting anything from them. I haven't felt the presence of God in my life for a while now. I feel myself slipping farther away from the strong Christian women that I once was. I'm drowning and part of me wants to let go. I don't understand how Satan can have such a strong hold over me.
I want to feel God in my life again, but I don't know how. I pray every day and night. But it's not enough, I feel as though I need some sort of divine intervention or a miracle.
WOW. I think that says it all...
You'd think I'd learn after repeating the same mistakes over and over again, that something needs to change. I need to change!!
How can I be so naive to believe what he says is true? It's never been true in the past, so why is this one any different?
I fall into this same pattern time and time again.. Guy shows interest in girl, girl shows interest in guy, guy shows even more interest in girl, so now he knows she's (I'm) completely hooked. By which time it's too late, her guard has been let down, way sooner than is should be because this time he's the one that's different, he's the one that is going to break the mold. But alas he's no different because he still finds a way to manipulate the situation, still finds a way to manipulate her. At first all the things that go wrong seem to be bad timing, but then over a period of time even though it doesn't get worse it still never gets better. " But that's ok, because he's different. He's really showed me he cares."
I still don't know what the reality/facts of the whole situation are and quite honestly I don't care. But I'm hurt. I can't believe I allowed myself to believe him. He may or may not have been lying. I don't know. But I do know he pulled at my heart strings, he knew all the right things to say. Even now, I'm sure if he called I would probably answer. I know he's not good for me, but that doesn't make the feeling go away. Once again, he'd probably say something came up, that he was sorry and that he misses me. I'd tell him I miss him too. That doesn't make the feelings go away.
I know people ask why do I let him get to me this way. I don't have an answer, but at the same time I don't want a lecture. When in reality I've felt lost and alone for a while now. I don't want to tell anyone because I don't want to be judged. I know I deserve better but that doesn't make the pain any less or the hurt go away. I feel lost and alone, I know what the answer is but it's not what I want to hear. I know it's to lean on God. I'm not strong enough, I haven't been for a while. I just put on a good front and pretend to be who people expect me to be. Inside I'm fighting this battle, I know I'm losing but I don't see another way. I'm gradually becoming overwhelmed with things that didn't use to be that way. I'm withdrawing from the good things in my life. I'm going to church and participating in activities because I feel like that's what I'm supposed to be doing. I'm not doing them with joy like I once was. I feel as though I'm becoming too involved and it's crushing me. I want to just sleep my day's away. I don't want to be bothered, and I want time to myself.
I know I need Jesus in my life, and I've been reading the bible and several other christian based books on a daily basis. Again, not because I want to, but out of a sense of obligation. I can tell you about the stories but I don't feel as though I'm getting anything from them. I haven't felt the presence of God in my life for a while now. I feel myself slipping farther away from the strong Christian women that I once was. I'm drowning and part of me wants to let go. I don't understand how Satan can have such a strong hold over me.
I want to feel God in my life again, but I don't know how. I pray every day and night. But it's not enough, I feel as though I need some sort of divine intervention or a miracle.
Saturday, March 10, 2012
Two are better than one...and three is even better than that!
What a crazy thing we call life.
I've been struggling a lot lately with where I fit in and what I'm supposed to be doing with my life and this was until very recently, even up until the last day or so that I felt this way.
I've been so worried about how I'm going to pay my bills and where I'm going to find clients that my focus has disappeared from the things that are supposed to be good for me. With my stress level on overload this has caused me to lack eating healthy and my working out as been affected and it's all taken my focus away from the bigger picture. Just living in peace because I'm exactly where God wants me. I know however that I can't just sit back and wait for Him to make things happen, I have to take an active role in my life. But I have to do so with a light heart and a happy soul.
Tonight my pastor talked about living a BLESS filled life and how to go about doing so living by the "Law's of Christ" It really hit home because he started off by talking about NFL Player Emmit Smith and how in his first game ever in the NFL he only got a total of TWO yards. But by the end of his Career he had beat the all time record for yardage which was somewhere over 16,000. But it all took time. That's the thing that I need tom remind myself on a daily basis. It's all about God's timing not my own. I can only do what I can do and the rest is up to Him. But in the mean time I need to Learn to do good, keep doing good, and not quit even when times get tough. I can honestly say I've wanted to throw in the towel several times lately but I know that it's not worth it. Where will it get me but even more lost and frustrated. So I take comfort in knowing that I'm exactly where God wants me right now, in every aspect of my life, work, money, singleness. It's all going to be ok. Pastor Greg also challenged everyone to make sure we have 2-3 people in our circle of influence to hold each other accountable. If we have that accountability we are less likely to quit. They are our own personal cheerleaders. So I've already asked one person to be that accountability for me, and I'm waiting for that prompting on whom else to ask. But in the mean time I'm going to start getting things in order myself.
- meal planning to eat healthier
- gym planning to get more active again
- not stressing out so much because I'm in slow season for massage
- knowing that financially I will be ok, God will always provide.
Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their labor:
If either of them falls down, one can help the other up. Ecclesiastes 4:9-10
And this same God who takes care of me will supply all your needs from his glorious riches, which have been given to us in Christ Jesus. Philippians 4:19
I've been struggling a lot lately with where I fit in and what I'm supposed to be doing with my life and this was until very recently, even up until the last day or so that I felt this way.
I've been so worried about how I'm going to pay my bills and where I'm going to find clients that my focus has disappeared from the things that are supposed to be good for me. With my stress level on overload this has caused me to lack eating healthy and my working out as been affected and it's all taken my focus away from the bigger picture. Just living in peace because I'm exactly where God wants me. I know however that I can't just sit back and wait for Him to make things happen, I have to take an active role in my life. But I have to do so with a light heart and a happy soul.
Tonight my pastor talked about living a BLESS filled life and how to go about doing so living by the "Law's of Christ" It really hit home because he started off by talking about NFL Player Emmit Smith and how in his first game ever in the NFL he only got a total of TWO yards. But by the end of his Career he had beat the all time record for yardage which was somewhere over 16,000. But it all took time. That's the thing that I need tom remind myself on a daily basis. It's all about God's timing not my own. I can only do what I can do and the rest is up to Him. But in the mean time I need to Learn to do good, keep doing good, and not quit even when times get tough. I can honestly say I've wanted to throw in the towel several times lately but I know that it's not worth it. Where will it get me but even more lost and frustrated. So I take comfort in knowing that I'm exactly where God wants me right now, in every aspect of my life, work, money, singleness. It's all going to be ok. Pastor Greg also challenged everyone to make sure we have 2-3 people in our circle of influence to hold each other accountable. If we have that accountability we are less likely to quit. They are our own personal cheerleaders. So I've already asked one person to be that accountability for me, and I'm waiting for that prompting on whom else to ask. But in the mean time I'm going to start getting things in order myself.
- meal planning to eat healthier
- gym planning to get more active again
- not stressing out so much because I'm in slow season for massage
- knowing that financially I will be ok, God will always provide.
Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their labor:
If either of them falls down, one can help the other up. Ecclesiastes 4:9-10
And this same God who takes care of me will supply all your needs from his glorious riches, which have been given to us in Christ Jesus. Philippians 4:19
Thursday, February 9, 2012
Drowning In a Sea of Uncertainty.
Have you ever felt like you can't breathe? Whether is be because you've swimming and accidentally swallowed too much water, or been punched in the gut and feel like you had the wind knocked out of you?
I feel a combination of all of that right now, I can't tell which way is forward and I certainly don't want to go back. I can head in so many directions right now with my life and I just don't know what is the best way to go. Feels like every aspect of my life is failing to come together. I know the easy solution..Give it all to God! The only problem with that is why do I feel like I should be handling this all on my own. I've shut down emotionally. Everything looks all great on the outside I look like a good example of a young Christan woman, but on the inside I'm fighting to breathe...I know this is just a valley of doubt I'm going through and I need to hold on because it will get better but I'm so impatient that it's beginning to wear on me. Every single day this last week I've waken up in the morning with absolutely no motivation to do anything during the day. I'd rather just sleep when I get into a funk like this because then I don't have to deal with life. I don't have to deal with reality.
The reality is there is nothing wrong in my life, I have a God who forgives me when I sin, and comforts me when I'm weak. I also have a home, a job, a car, my bills are being paid and I have amazing friends and family. I great support system. So why do I feel completely uneasy about life right now? Again, the answer is simple. I'm not putting God first in all I am and everything I have. I read my bible daily and pull out bits and pieces that I'm drawn to. I tithe to my church and I am very active with my social functions. But I still feel empty. This is something I need to focus on, because I know only God can fill that void. So I do know that I need to spend more time with him and less time focusing on every day frustrations.
Last night in small group we were asked to write down the things that we're struggling with and give them over to God. At the end of the evening we drown them in a bowl of His "Thirst Quenching Water" because just like the Samaritan woman, we all believe that the little distractions in our lives that are pulling us apart from God aren't such a big deal. But the reality is they are a lot bigger to God then we play them off to be. Anything that separates us from him is a huge deal.
So how am I going to deal you ask? Well I'm going to start by being more intentional with the time I spend in His word and with him every morning. One of the pastors at my church challenged us from his blog this morning. It's a '30 day Challenge.' Basically we're being challenged to pray the Lords Prayer every day for the next 30 days. Doesn't matter where your at or what time of the day it happens, because that is becoming too legalistic about the whole thing. All that matters is doing it. So I'm going to take the challenge. I'm also going to be more intentional about doing my daily devotionals because I know that I can gain so much knowledge from doing so. Maybe then I will be able to find the peace I've been seeking through the Lord.
I feel a combination of all of that right now, I can't tell which way is forward and I certainly don't want to go back. I can head in so many directions right now with my life and I just don't know what is the best way to go. Feels like every aspect of my life is failing to come together. I know the easy solution..Give it all to God! The only problem with that is why do I feel like I should be handling this all on my own. I've shut down emotionally. Everything looks all great on the outside I look like a good example of a young Christan woman, but on the inside I'm fighting to breathe...I know this is just a valley of doubt I'm going through and I need to hold on because it will get better but I'm so impatient that it's beginning to wear on me. Every single day this last week I've waken up in the morning with absolutely no motivation to do anything during the day. I'd rather just sleep when I get into a funk like this because then I don't have to deal with life. I don't have to deal with reality.
The reality is there is nothing wrong in my life, I have a God who forgives me when I sin, and comforts me when I'm weak. I also have a home, a job, a car, my bills are being paid and I have amazing friends and family. I great support system. So why do I feel completely uneasy about life right now? Again, the answer is simple. I'm not putting God first in all I am and everything I have. I read my bible daily and pull out bits and pieces that I'm drawn to. I tithe to my church and I am very active with my social functions. But I still feel empty. This is something I need to focus on, because I know only God can fill that void. So I do know that I need to spend more time with him and less time focusing on every day frustrations.
Last night in small group we were asked to write down the things that we're struggling with and give them over to God. At the end of the evening we drown them in a bowl of His "Thirst Quenching Water" because just like the Samaritan woman, we all believe that the little distractions in our lives that are pulling us apart from God aren't such a big deal. But the reality is they are a lot bigger to God then we play them off to be. Anything that separates us from him is a huge deal.
So how am I going to deal you ask? Well I'm going to start by being more intentional with the time I spend in His word and with him every morning. One of the pastors at my church challenged us from his blog this morning. It's a '30 day Challenge.' Basically we're being challenged to pray the Lords Prayer every day for the next 30 days. Doesn't matter where your at or what time of the day it happens, because that is becoming too legalistic about the whole thing. All that matters is doing it. So I'm going to take the challenge. I'm also going to be more intentional about doing my daily devotionals because I know that I can gain so much knowledge from doing so. Maybe then I will be able to find the peace I've been seeking through the Lord.
Sunday, January 15, 2012
Progress
Well 2012 started off with a bang. I however was asleep, I'd had such an exhausting day at work the day before that I couldn't even keep my eye's open to ring in the new year. But for the first time in my life I was ok with that. No one special to ring it in with, and wasn't going to be kissing a random guy just so I could have that midnight kiss.
First week of 2012 started out ok. I didn't start any goals that week and it was my own fault, I was being lazy. But as of January 8th it was on like Donkey Kong. I've been able to stay on track and I'm so proud of myself. Kept on a regular workout schedule (5 times last week), kept a healthy diet as well.
I've been able to work on several of my other goals this week as well. Starting to get massage on a regular basis. I'll be trading with Tammy, a friend and fellow Massage Therapist. I've also been able to figure out what college game I want to attend and tailgate at hopefully. It will be the Florida Gators vs. South Carolina Gamecocks in Gainsville Florida on October 20th. One more goal that was recently added to my list was to attend a pro football game (which I've never been to either) I'm not sure of the date let but I will be attending the Denver Broncos', Carolina Panthers game next Season in Charlotte North Carolina. I can't wait!!
I've been fasting for God and with the Church as well. Some days have been easier than others. I gave up sweets for our 21 day fast. Not as easy as it sounds. One night I even dreamt about pie...I don't even like pie!(It was apple, lol) But on a good note, I've been studying the bible every single day, it's drawing me closer to God.
I've felt so drawn over the last 6 months to go on a mission trip, but didn't know where to start or where to go. Well, last Thursday night we had our "Satellite Service" for theWell and during part of the sermon Ernest was talking about "Being the Church" and in that he mentioned going on missions. There were three possible chances to go with theWell this year and it was in that moment God placed in my heart where I'll be serving my first ever mission's trip. It will be in Washington DC, our own capital. I'm so excited that he's calling me to go there, because if we can serve at the core of our country, in the capital city then hopefully that will bring change within our own countries walls. Maybe one day God will call me to serve somewhere outside of our borders, but until then I'll gladly serve in his name in our own country!
I'm so excited to continue along the godly, healthy path I've started on. Can't wait to see how many of my 2012 goals actually become accomplished. Stay tuned to find out!!!
First week of 2012 started out ok. I didn't start any goals that week and it was my own fault, I was being lazy. But as of January 8th it was on like Donkey Kong. I've been able to stay on track and I'm so proud of myself. Kept on a regular workout schedule (5 times last week), kept a healthy diet as well.
I've been able to work on several of my other goals this week as well. Starting to get massage on a regular basis. I'll be trading with Tammy, a friend and fellow Massage Therapist. I've also been able to figure out what college game I want to attend and tailgate at hopefully. It will be the Florida Gators vs. South Carolina Gamecocks in Gainsville Florida on October 20th. One more goal that was recently added to my list was to attend a pro football game (which I've never been to either) I'm not sure of the date let but I will be attending the Denver Broncos', Carolina Panthers game next Season in Charlotte North Carolina. I can't wait!!
I've been fasting for God and with the Church as well. Some days have been easier than others. I gave up sweets for our 21 day fast. Not as easy as it sounds. One night I even dreamt about pie...I don't even like pie!(It was apple, lol) But on a good note, I've been studying the bible every single day, it's drawing me closer to God.
I've felt so drawn over the last 6 months to go on a mission trip, but didn't know where to start or where to go. Well, last Thursday night we had our "Satellite Service" for theWell and during part of the sermon Ernest was talking about "Being the Church" and in that he mentioned going on missions. There were three possible chances to go with theWell this year and it was in that moment God placed in my heart where I'll be serving my first ever mission's trip. It will be in Washington DC, our own capital. I'm so excited that he's calling me to go there, because if we can serve at the core of our country, in the capital city then hopefully that will bring change within our own countries walls. Maybe one day God will call me to serve somewhere outside of our borders, but until then I'll gladly serve in his name in our own country!
I'm so excited to continue along the godly, healthy path I've started on. Can't wait to see how many of my 2012 goals actually become accomplished. Stay tuned to find out!!!
Sunday, January 8, 2012
Awakening 21 Day Fast
It's been on my mind, with the 21 day fast starting today, of things that I could take away from my life to be more close to God. First it was sugar, then it was sweets in general, this morning was kind of a slap in the face with being more conscious of my spending. Then it hit me, I just need to live more simply in my life in general.
I've put these "things" ahead of God. So my challange for myself over the next 21 days is to live a more simple life. Only spend what I need to (fuel for my car, food for nutrition). Eating to live and not the other way around. Getting back into a more consistant work out routine. I'm sure the first few days are going to be hard, but as with any routine/habit they are all hard to maintain in the begining. But the whole point of this fast and the "live more simply" aspect of life is to grow closer to God.
So I'm going to spend as much time as possible, reading, praying and learning about him and growing in my relationship with Him. I'm also going to be working on tracking what I eat, read, and pray about every day. Plus my feelings and emotions towards the whole experience. I'm expecting that God will show up during this time and give me the strength I need and the guidence I'm looking for. He's already done so much in my life especially in the last year.
It was one year ago today that I started the next chapter in my life in Charelston South Carolina. I can't wait to see what God has for my in store not only for the next 21 days, or year. But for the rest of my life. I feel so blessed.
Happy fasting!!
I've put these "things" ahead of God. So my challange for myself over the next 21 days is to live a more simple life. Only spend what I need to (fuel for my car, food for nutrition). Eating to live and not the other way around. Getting back into a more consistant work out routine. I'm sure the first few days are going to be hard, but as with any routine/habit they are all hard to maintain in the begining. But the whole point of this fast and the "live more simply" aspect of life is to grow closer to God.
So I'm going to spend as much time as possible, reading, praying and learning about him and growing in my relationship with Him. I'm also going to be working on tracking what I eat, read, and pray about every day. Plus my feelings and emotions towards the whole experience. I'm expecting that God will show up during this time and give me the strength I need and the guidence I'm looking for. He's already done so much in my life especially in the last year.
It was one year ago today that I started the next chapter in my life in Charelston South Carolina. I can't wait to see what God has for my in store not only for the next 21 days, or year. But for the rest of my life. I feel so blessed.
Happy fasting!!
Saturday, January 7, 2012
2012 Goals
So it was brought to my attention by my friend Nikki that resolutions for a new year almost never get followed through with. So for 2012 I'm resolving to not have any resolutions, just kidding!!!
No actually I've come up with a list of things I'd like to do an accomplish in 2012. So I wanted to share them with you. Some of them I'm already working on obtaining. Others I won't be able to work on until later in the year. We should always work on improving ourselves though so It's not a big deal. :o)
No actually I've come up with a list of things I'd like to do an accomplish in 2012. So I wanted to share them with you. Some of them I'm already working on obtaining. Others I won't be able to work on until later in the year. We should always work on improving ourselves though so It's not a big deal. :o)
- Pursue God more
- Pray daily
- Read Bible everyday
- Lose last 30-40 lbs
- Get sugar cravings under control
- Eat more fish
- Workout 5 day a week
- Polar Bear Plunge (Jan 1st 2013) This one sort of doesn't count.
- Run 6 5k's
- Do a half marathon
- Get two massages a month
- Read 12 books
- Go on a mission trip
- Get a tan
- Travel outside the country
- Go back to school
- Work on having a more positive outlook on Colorado
- Massage become my primary income again.
- Massage Parties blow up
- Try Blast 900
- Be single until 11/9/2012
- Tailgate at a college football game (Hopefully a Gator Game)
- Attend my first college football game (hopefully a Gator game)
- Serve in the community with my small group
- Go to as many concerts as possible
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